Personal Growth,  Spiritual Growth

How To Overcome Abandonment

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Do you want to know how to overcome abandonment?
Do you crave for someone who you want to be with but you pushed them away?
Do you always find a reason to leave a relationship before the other person can?
Do you constantly ask for reassurance from other people?

Feeling loved & wanted is one of the things we all desire especially if it comes from the people we loved. Imagine being with someone who loves & cares for you. You are in someone’s arms and your hearts are always together.

We all know that life isn’t just filled with joy but also struggles & challenges but having a significant other or anyone be it your friends & family who will be next to you every step of the way with unconditional support.

There is nothing wrong with wishing for someone or anyone to get to close to you but no matter how we want to feel loved & wanted. The moment when you see & feel that someone is coming closer to you. You feel the need to go away or maybe even disappear.

There are times when you do not understand it yourself. There are times when you feel confused about it.

Even if you are the most talkative person in the group or you are perhaps an extrovert, you feel hesitant to get emotionally close to other people. There is this feeling that when they talk to you & get close to you. They might take advantage of you.

But you aren’t alone…

Many people who feel hesitant to get too close to others are actually yearning for intimacy. They are yearning to love & be loved. They yearn to be accepted for who they are. 

I was just like you.

I used to dream of falling in love, getting married & starting a family. However, when I started falling in love with someone who also loves me back. I started feeling uncomfortable. I started creating an invisible wall in between us. Although I want to get close I felt anxious, panic & scared.

I kept doing this until I felt alone and tired of myself. It all started when someone asked me to be his girlfriend back when I was still in grade school. I pushed my first love and that’s when it started my fear of commitment. The cycle kept going until I became more confident in myself.

I tried to find out the reason why I was feeling this way.

Now, you may think there are tons of reasons why you would also feel this way but actually, it’s just one. And that’s called “Fear”. It is specifically called “Fear of Abandonment”. We all have this fear.

I tried to find out the root cause of my abandonment issues and it actually started from my childhood. Both my mom and dad were busy at work. I perfectly understand them because we live in a difficult time.

I was all alone to think mostly for myself and it had made me independent. They provided me both shelter, clothing and other things. However, I felt emotionally neglected. Both of them loved & cared for me deeply but they are both unemotional on the outside. They couldn’t just show their affection towards me.

Here are 5 common reasons why you have this fear of abandonment and how you can overcome each of it:

5 Common Reasons of Fear Of Abandonment

1.) Childhood neglect

If you were like me, you’ll likely feel lonely. You will always tell yourself that you were better off alone. You sometimes unconsciously push people away because you think that you feel unworthy of love. You feel you don’t deserve it and you’re not good enough.

You need to accept yourself as you are. Stop being so hard on yourself. It’s not going to help you. Don’t isolate yourself and try to push yourself to take the risk of accepting new love from that person or the belongingness from your friends and family.

2.) Death of a loved one

Death has a way of changing us. It can also make you feel detached from the world. It can make you feel angry and bitter but it can also make you feel scared. You have this fear of letting someone close to you because you believe that they’ll likely die in the end and just never want to experience that trauma.

You may never really be the same after the death of someone that was very dear to your heart but never let it ruin your chances of being with someone you love. I understand there is that feeling of anxiety about letting someone get too close or falling in love with someone special in case you would lose them too.

3.) Rejection

Most people who had never experienced any abandonment issues in their childhood but have been rejected because of breakups in adulthood are most likely tend to sabotage themselves more.

You’re not alone. All of us experience rejection in our lives whether it’d be job, promotion or love life. I know rejection hurts but the only way you can overcome rejection is to simply accept the rejection itself. You may be angry, humiliated and disappointed.

That’s the way it is! Instead of feeling angry, why not use it as a strength and at the same time, an opportunity for you to learn and improve what needs to be improved.


4.) Emotional or sexual abuse by a former partner

Most people who have experienced any form of abuse from their former partners are having a hard time trusting anyone new that would come close to them.

If you are one of them, just remember that it’s never your fault. You can’t blame yourself for what has happened. It may be difficult to trust anyone but you have to think about, you shouldn’t be afraid anymore because you are already aware of the signs of the abuse.

I know it’s not that easy but you just need to speak up and express yourself to others how you feel if ever they did wrong or if you remembered something. Never be too defensive. You just need to always open up to others.

5.) Other Childhood issues

Any physical & emotional abuse from the parents, as well as divorce or separation in the family, can also have that fear of abandonment. All the pain, anger and suffering that you may have experienced will not change, especially when their parents never reconciled with one another and never did any counseling.

Some of them just go their separate ways without thinking about the feelings of their kids.

If you were exposed to a divorce, you may feel a sense of mistrust but you must open your hearts to love. Just take any relationships or friendships slow at your own pace. Don’t ever lose hope!

How To Overcome Abandonment

If you have a fear of abandonment, you may have experienced low self-esteem, loneliness, feeling out of control in life and maybe even depressed. Just know that there are ways to overcome your fear of abandonment.

1.) You must identify your fear.

Make a list of the fears and identify each of them. Then ask yourself why you are afraid of them one by one and what you can do to minimize the threat.

2.) Have a positive mindset.

Do you know that accepting rejection is a skill? You may have experienced tons of broken hearts from failed job interviews to relationships but at least you learn & master it.

If you feel unworthy or unloved, having a positive mindset can help you focus on the good things in life even if there are times you experienced bad times. You can use positive affirmations every single day to create positive thoughts and may even view the world in a positive way.

3.) Build your confidence.

This may not happen overnight but you have to build your self-worth to eradicate your susceptibility to fear. To help build your confidence, you must need to learn your strengths and weaknesses. You must also replace any negative, damaging feelings of failure, incompetence & unworthiness with positive feelings of success.

4.) Enjoy your relationships.

Enjoy your relationships as well as your friendships. Having a fear of abandonment while committed can make you focused on just one person and caring too much can sometimes stress over your relationships. You need to release your energy not just on your partner & friends in a balanced way.


I know how afraid you are to feel hurt and to be left alone. However, you must overcome your fear of abandonment. You must overcome your fear of love by rebuilding your confidence, being positive & enjoying your life with your partner & friends.

Don’t let fear hold you back from making friends and getting someone close to you. Take a risk and give them a chance because it’s not only you who gets hurt. They are hurting too because of what you did to them especially when they don’t know why you suddenly pushed them away and leave them in the cold without any explanation.

You just need to remember that you are worthy of love. That’s all you need to remember first.

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Eleanor Wabe is the creator behind The Eleanor Journal, a digital platform of stories about personal growth, mental health, self-improvement, spiritual growth & self-care to help uplift your body, mind, soul, and heart.

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